I sat there sulking like a little girl. Adam and Mary were having a good time observing each other chew fries, and I was there, watching them like they were from Planet Mars. I made no comments, though - and I think that I shall be greatly thanked. Because really, I don't think anyone could resist making insults about how ridiculous they looked right now.
Mary started to talk, "I remembered how I saw you the first day and there were just, sparks."
I couldn't do it anymore.
"Oh please! The first time you saw him, you gave him a hand print." I spitted, laughing a little. "Sparks?!"
They gave me a menacing look, but that didn't stop me. After they've said 'NO' when I wanted to leave, I just sat here waiting for world to end. And apparently, they'd chew till they've forgotten that somebody was sitting beside them, staring into space.
"Oh it's a matter of speech, stupid." Mary said, shoving the fries to her. She'd stopped the observe-Adam-chew routine already, because she was fuming. But nope, I still wouldn't stop. She's caused me a total 10 minutes of boredom, while time is important. Time is gold. Time is, when everyone is doing nothing, I should be doing something. TIME IS WHEN I DON'T SEE PEOPLE EAT THEIR FRIES OUT.
Adam stayed quiet, and he covered his hands on top of Mary's. Oh my gosh, what is he doing to Mary?
"Okay, so seriously, what did - I mean, who - " I couldn't ask, they'd give me an absolute unbelievable answer. Could I stand being amazed? Or opposite, being dumbfounded? "How did you two fall in love." I said quickly, the end of the sentence was a statement, not quite a question.
They were quiet for a while. I envisioned them laughing their heads off, because everybody's been doing the same recently. A few seconds more, Mary and Adam just looked into each others' eyes. I felt goosebumps at the back of my neck.
"OKAY, HELLO. EARTH TO LOVER A AND B."
"After I've told you about Oscar and have beyond doubt slapped Adam on the face, which I am terribly guilt-ridden now, Adam had personally come and apologized to me." Mary started untangling my curiosity, and she nodded her head once in a while when explaining. I wanted to interject, but had second thoughts.
"Of course," she emphasized, "it doesn't mean I had to forgive him. I had a choice, apparently. And it's not like I have to see him in school all the time, what more talk to him. But he really had an aura that was undeniably flawless. He really was sorry.
And it was barefaced, like diamonds, in his eyes. We didn't fall in love in that second, but then we just got to know each other. He had told me that the reason for my brother's unlucky fall wasn't entirely his fault.
Besides my brother wanting to 'fit in', Adam had also warned him about the consequences. It appears that Adam knows my brother before and after the unlucky incident, but my brother was naive. He didn't listen, and Adam drugged him to make him feel bad in the morning. That he would feel dizzy, feel like it was a big fat fault. Who knew someone was gonna throw him in the water?"
I stared, my mouth vacant. She took it as another hint to explain further.
"And I found him special, because he had the guts to tell me the whole story. And to stand up for himself. That's pretty awesome. Winnie, your bro's pretty awesome, and you've heard that right." she tightened Adam's hand in hers. I'm gonna stop asking now.
"In your party, I saw him TRY to whistle to a girl. Isn't 'whistling/able to flirt' in your criteria? Or is it just, being truthful and have diamond eyes the priors?"
"Sparkly eyes."
I shook my head disbelievingly. "Adam, is this real?" Why did I ask in the first place? It was too much to handle, too much to cram in my brains. He nodded, smug. Mary looked as if she just won over the whole country, by siding her...boyfriend.
"I can't believe that you didn't tell me. Do I have to figure everything out? Figure you were dating, figure about Oscar," I cringed at his name, "figure ... that stupid bet Ian had bet on. FIGURE?"
"That's my sister." Adam said, and we all started laughing.
*
Ian was in my class today, and he kept looking in my way. Several times I have turned around to see if he was looking at someone else, the fact that Arnold was sitting behind me, instead of some pretty babe, didn't sink in. He was looking at me, unless he prefers Arnold's type, not that I happen to care.
Finally, he whistled at me to grasp my attention. My head snapped in his direction, my high up ponytail slapping my face. It was unintentional, my head immediately set in place to face him- but I knew why. Because the suspense of what's in the future is killing me, inch by inch stabbing me with a knife. I had to just clear this, tell him what I feel, and tell him we're over. Every single thing.
"I'm sorry." He whispered, nothing from his eyes. Didn't he already said this? Reflexively, I shook my head. I didn't say anything, I just wanted to ignore him, pretend that he was not here. But that was impossible, because he might never want to do this again. Never have the nerves to tell me anything that was music to my ears. But, I didn't want him like the way he wanted me - if he does. I'm completely baffled at this moments, the thoughts skittering in my head. "No, I'm really sorry." he said, his voice above a whisper. Is that to decipher he wants me back? No, incorrect. He wanted me, for he had never HAD me. So where did Lynette stand in now? Had he break up with her?
WHOA.
He nodded as if my thoughts were audible. I purposely dropped my pencil again next to him, and went to squat beside him, pretending to take a long time grabbing a crappy pencil. "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
"For you to forgive me."
"I know that's not what you want. What do you desire, then?"
He didn't think about that, it was instantaneous. "I want you." His voice was empty, his eyes a shallow pool. I stood up, and walked back to my place. My English book landed on a thud on my table, when the teacher passed the books back.
"Thanks." I muttered.
My hands started flawlessly writing a whole page of story on Barack Obama, when Ian started coaxing again. "Would you come by my house if you have a free time?"
"For what?!" I snapped, feeling slightly used. Realization hit me right then: Ian was worthless. Not worth the fight. All he wanted was just some attention, a little love, a little crush, and when he's done, it's allll history. ALLLL GOOD.
"Why do I have a feeling that you're not THE ONE?" I asked, still not facing him. He was silent for a moment, "THE ONE?"
WOW, he actually didn't want to be THE ONE. He meant that he'd prefered The Temporary ONE. Proves my thesis, doesn't it? "Nevermind, I'm not coming."
I unfixed my position to face him, "IAN, I AM NOT YOUR ONE. I DON'T CARE IF YOU GO HOME HURT - WHICH I DOUBT. I FEEL USED AND HURT - ALTHOUGH NOT ENOUGH TO MAKE ME SHED A TEAR, BECAUSE I'VE REALIZED THAT I'M NOT MEANT FOR YOU AND VISE VERSA. I DON'T LIKE YOU. YOU'RE WORTHLESS. I WON'T GO ANYWHERE IN YOUR RADIUS IF PERMISSIBLE, BUT OF COURSE SINCE THE SCHOOL COMPOUND IS SO FREAKISHLY SMALL, I HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO BE SOMEWHERE 5 METERS AWAY FROM YOU. AND YOU, GO HAVE A LIFE." I snapped, not caring who was watching. I just blew.
Ian looked dumbly at me. Some students' dropped their pens and pencils. Mary stood up slowly, probably to shake me and demand what was going on. It gave me 2 minutes to calm down, I straightened my posture and cleared my throat.
Ian turned away, his eyes glistening. I felt bad. Not bad enough.
"Drama practice." I choked out. My face felt hot and it flushed, making me no difference to what Ian felt now. And I wasn't happy with that,because Ian was supposed to suffer the aftermath and not me, suffering alongside with him.
I looked down, as some people grab their pencils and tried as hard as possible to make them stay in their clutches. Out of the blues, I heard an applause. Turning around, Mary was already beside me. The teacher looked like she was going to behead all of us.
Mary grabbed my wrist and flung it up, making me look like I won something - a champion.
"WHOOOO!!!!!" She cheered so loud in this quiet place, my eardrums got damaged. Everyone started joining in after that, much to my embarrassment. Ian, no one noticing him, walked away.
My eyes starting welling up involuntarily. No, no crying. At least not for himmm! I pled with myself. I should join in, join cheering for myself. For defending. But my insides were crumbled when my memory of Ian walking out replayed in my mind. I HATE having a soft spot. My eyes flickered to everyone around me, forming a circle. The English teacher had just slammed the book on the table, of course with no one bothering. His dropped face rewind again, and I choked back a tear, choked back that heavy almost inevitable feeling. I pushed aside that urge to be sorry, to just tell him I didn't mean that. Wait, what did I want? I want to cry. Want to undo everything. To NOT admit that stupid lie to Andrew, not come to this school, too. Then I'll still be with Dame and Bebe today. I hope. I wish. My legs were numbing under the desk, wanting me to just break down one last time. The feeling was back, this was how I was supposed to feel when I got ditched the other day. Why now?
I was internally fighting with myself as the others cheered on, oblivious to my condition. I shouldn't have said that. Shouldn't have said the radius thing.
Shouldn't have, in the first place, fall for him...
It was stupid.
Utterly unbelievable, beyond belief compared to what I felt this morning in the cafeteria.
It was, as far as I could describe, something that was not supposed to happen.
Even if it meant not knowing Ian, for the entire width of my life.
For eternity.
Mary started to talk, "I remembered how I saw you the first day and there were just, sparks."
I couldn't do it anymore.
"Oh please! The first time you saw him, you gave him a hand print." I spitted, laughing a little. "Sparks?!"
They gave me a menacing look, but that didn't stop me. After they've said 'NO' when I wanted to leave, I just sat here waiting for world to end. And apparently, they'd chew till they've forgotten that somebody was sitting beside them, staring into space.
"Oh it's a matter of speech, stupid." Mary said, shoving the fries to her. She'd stopped the observe-Adam-chew routine already, because she was fuming. But nope, I still wouldn't stop. She's caused me a total 10 minutes of boredom, while time is important. Time is gold. Time is, when everyone is doing nothing, I should be doing something. TIME IS WHEN I DON'T SEE PEOPLE EAT THEIR FRIES OUT.
Adam stayed quiet, and he covered his hands on top of Mary's. Oh my gosh, what is he doing to Mary?
"Okay, so seriously, what did - I mean, who - " I couldn't ask, they'd give me an absolute unbelievable answer. Could I stand being amazed? Or opposite, being dumbfounded? "How did you two fall in love." I said quickly, the end of the sentence was a statement, not quite a question.
They were quiet for a while. I envisioned them laughing their heads off, because everybody's been doing the same recently. A few seconds more, Mary and Adam just looked into each others' eyes. I felt goosebumps at the back of my neck.
"OKAY, HELLO. EARTH TO LOVER A AND B."
"After I've told you about Oscar and have beyond doubt slapped Adam on the face, which I am terribly guilt-ridden now, Adam had personally come and apologized to me." Mary started untangling my curiosity, and she nodded her head once in a while when explaining. I wanted to interject, but had second thoughts.
"Of course," she emphasized, "it doesn't mean I had to forgive him. I had a choice, apparently. And it's not like I have to see him in school all the time, what more talk to him. But he really had an aura that was undeniably flawless. He really was sorry.
And it was barefaced, like diamonds, in his eyes. We didn't fall in love in that second, but then we just got to know each other. He had told me that the reason for my brother's unlucky fall wasn't entirely his fault.
Besides my brother wanting to 'fit in', Adam had also warned him about the consequences. It appears that Adam knows my brother before and after the unlucky incident, but my brother was naive. He didn't listen, and Adam drugged him to make him feel bad in the morning. That he would feel dizzy, feel like it was a big fat fault. Who knew someone was gonna throw him in the water?"
I stared, my mouth vacant. She took it as another hint to explain further.
"And I found him special, because he had the guts to tell me the whole story. And to stand up for himself. That's pretty awesome. Winnie, your bro's pretty awesome, and you've heard that right." she tightened Adam's hand in hers. I'm gonna stop asking now.
"In your party, I saw him TRY to whistle to a girl. Isn't 'whistling/able to flirt' in your criteria? Or is it just, being truthful and have diamond eyes the priors?"
"Sparkly eyes."
I shook my head disbelievingly. "Adam, is this real?" Why did I ask in the first place? It was too much to handle, too much to cram in my brains. He nodded, smug. Mary looked as if she just won over the whole country, by siding her...boyfriend.
"I can't believe that you didn't tell me. Do I have to figure everything out? Figure you were dating, figure about Oscar," I cringed at his name, "figure ... that stupid bet Ian had bet on. FIGURE?"
"That's my sister." Adam said, and we all started laughing.
*
Ian was in my class today, and he kept looking in my way. Several times I have turned around to see if he was looking at someone else, the fact that Arnold was sitting behind me, instead of some pretty babe, didn't sink in. He was looking at me, unless he prefers Arnold's type, not that I happen to care.
Finally, he whistled at me to grasp my attention. My head snapped in his direction, my high up ponytail slapping my face. It was unintentional, my head immediately set in place to face him- but I knew why. Because the suspense of what's in the future is killing me, inch by inch stabbing me with a knife. I had to just clear this, tell him what I feel, and tell him we're over. Every single thing.
"I'm sorry." He whispered, nothing from his eyes. Didn't he already said this? Reflexively, I shook my head. I didn't say anything, I just wanted to ignore him, pretend that he was not here. But that was impossible, because he might never want to do this again. Never have the nerves to tell me anything that was music to my ears. But, I didn't want him like the way he wanted me - if he does. I'm completely baffled at this moments, the thoughts skittering in my head. "No, I'm really sorry." he said, his voice above a whisper. Is that to decipher he wants me back? No, incorrect. He wanted me, for he had never HAD me. So where did Lynette stand in now? Had he break up with her?
WHOA.
He nodded as if my thoughts were audible. I purposely dropped my pencil again next to him, and went to squat beside him, pretending to take a long time grabbing a crappy pencil. "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
"For you to forgive me."
"I know that's not what you want. What do you desire, then?"
He didn't think about that, it was instantaneous. "I want you." His voice was empty, his eyes a shallow pool. I stood up, and walked back to my place. My English book landed on a thud on my table, when the teacher passed the books back.
"Thanks." I muttered.
My hands started flawlessly writing a whole page of story on Barack Obama, when Ian started coaxing again. "Would you come by my house if you have a free time?"
"For what?!" I snapped, feeling slightly used. Realization hit me right then: Ian was worthless. Not worth the fight. All he wanted was just some attention, a little love, a little crush, and when he's done, it's allll history. ALLLL GOOD.
"Why do I have a feeling that you're not THE ONE?" I asked, still not facing him. He was silent for a moment, "THE ONE?"
WOW, he actually didn't want to be THE ONE. He meant that he'd prefered The Temporary ONE. Proves my thesis, doesn't it? "Nevermind, I'm not coming."
I unfixed my position to face him, "IAN, I AM NOT YOUR ONE. I DON'T CARE IF YOU GO HOME HURT - WHICH I DOUBT. I FEEL USED AND HURT - ALTHOUGH NOT ENOUGH TO MAKE ME SHED A TEAR, BECAUSE I'VE REALIZED THAT I'M NOT MEANT FOR YOU AND VISE VERSA. I DON'T LIKE YOU. YOU'RE WORTHLESS. I WON'T GO ANYWHERE IN YOUR RADIUS IF PERMISSIBLE, BUT OF COURSE SINCE THE SCHOOL COMPOUND IS SO FREAKISHLY SMALL, I HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO BE SOMEWHERE 5 METERS AWAY FROM YOU. AND YOU, GO HAVE A LIFE." I snapped, not caring who was watching. I just blew.
Ian looked dumbly at me. Some students' dropped their pens and pencils. Mary stood up slowly, probably to shake me and demand what was going on. It gave me 2 minutes to calm down, I straightened my posture and cleared my throat.
Ian turned away, his eyes glistening. I felt bad. Not bad enough.
"Drama practice." I choked out. My face felt hot and it flushed, making me no difference to what Ian felt now. And I wasn't happy with that,because Ian was supposed to suffer the aftermath and not me, suffering alongside with him.
I looked down, as some people grab their pencils and tried as hard as possible to make them stay in their clutches. Out of the blues, I heard an applause. Turning around, Mary was already beside me. The teacher looked like she was going to behead all of us.
Mary grabbed my wrist and flung it up, making me look like I won something - a champion.
"WHOOOO!!!!!" She cheered so loud in this quiet place, my eardrums got damaged. Everyone started joining in after that, much to my embarrassment. Ian, no one noticing him, walked away.
My eyes starting welling up involuntarily. No, no crying. At least not for himmm! I pled with myself. I should join in, join cheering for myself. For defending. But my insides were crumbled when my memory of Ian walking out replayed in my mind. I HATE having a soft spot. My eyes flickered to everyone around me, forming a circle. The English teacher had just slammed the book on the table, of course with no one bothering. His dropped face rewind again, and I choked back a tear, choked back that heavy almost inevitable feeling. I pushed aside that urge to be sorry, to just tell him I didn't mean that. Wait, what did I want? I want to cry. Want to undo everything. To NOT admit that stupid lie to Andrew, not come to this school, too. Then I'll still be with Dame and Bebe today. I hope. I wish. My legs were numbing under the desk, wanting me to just break down one last time. The feeling was back, this was how I was supposed to feel when I got ditched the other day. Why now?
I was internally fighting with myself as the others cheered on, oblivious to my condition. I shouldn't have said that. Shouldn't have said the radius thing.
Shouldn't have, in the first place, fall for him...
It was stupid.
Utterly unbelievable, beyond belief compared to what I felt this morning in the cafeteria.
It was, as far as I could describe, something that was not supposed to happen.
Even if it meant not knowing Ian, for the entire width of my life.
For eternity.
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