My breath caught like a whif of wind.
I exhaled slowly once again, trying to breathe normally.
In my nightmare, Bebe wasn't there anymore. Dame wasn't. Not even Mary. I was left alone to doom, desolated at nowhere.
In front of me loomed nothing but pitch black of nothingness. I turned around, my lungs out of air for a moment as panic started to strike. Behind me was the same black background. Oddly, I begin to get off of somewhere I was standing.
Something like shore.
It wasn't water I was landing, like I had imagined - an ocean or an island. Nope, it was something different. Soft sand-like beads were beneath me, making a calm sound as I walked. It was a paradox, me being afraid at this calm place. I couldn't see anything, though, and that was probably why I was so afraid.
I stretched my stiff hands out, just trying to grab hold or feel something. All I caught was air, slipping through my fingers.
"Arrgh." I started to shout. Oh no. All that came out was just silence. This was kind of a time when you find yourself so lost, so captivated. No where to run to, or someone you could just hold on to. And then a piercing shout, I woke up, sitting. My hair was matted against the forehead. It was 2 days since my birthday went. And gone.The clock showed that I was early, very early. 4 in the morning.
I got up, too stiff to slip into sleep again. Kicking the blanket, I went to the bathroom and washed my face thoroughly. The sweat was so icky to handle, I hate handling with sticky sweat, sticking onto you. Eww.
I cringed at the smell that was floating from my shirt. I reeked. I contemplated but then thought no more, I hit the showers.
*
I leapt onto bed again, the sun peeking out already. I opened the windows wide, looking out the window, nothing seemed to move. Just the swaying of trees. And the stillness of the dawn. I've missed transquility, so much. Life's so hectic nowadays. I wish it could just stop, or just for the least, pause. Or just hit forward until all the bad days finished. Then I'll cross the winning line. And the line will be distinct, not blurred, like how it is now. I couldn't tell when and how long this period - or phase, exactly - will end. But I also hope than one day, I'll look back in awe and proudly state that I was the one who endured it with all of my courage.
I smiled a little. Walking to the study room, I tore a piece of paper into two, and the bigger one, I wrote in wavy letters with a black pen.
Dear Adam,
sorry for breaking your arm/palm/head/brain.
Insincerely,
me.
Feeling a gust of success and satisfaction, I jumped out of my seat and slipped the paper under Adam's door. I looked at the clock again, 30 minutes before the bus comes around.
Ugh, life begins again.
*
I stepped out of the yellow bulky bus once again, feeling nauseated all over. As soon as my feet landed on the flat ground, I had this intention of climbing up the bus and going home again. The sun blinded me, and I walked like a corpse.
"Hey, you okay?" someone behind me asked, I didn't bother to even look. He wouldn't understand, how horrifyingly complicated I felt. The emotions in me were twirling like in a flood, and the worst of all, I'm not sure what my emotions are. I nodded my head weakly, smiling at no one in particular. It was kind of stupid, because he couldn't see me, smiling at him.
Adam skipped ahead of me, and appeared in front of my frozen statue. "What." I snapped at him as I tightened my clutch on my bag. It was silly, afraid of nothing at the moment.
"Nada, just thanks for the apology."
"Yeah Yeah, get off of my face."
He did it voluntarily, with no signs of hurt or anything displayed on his face. I don't know why I like to irritate Adam so much, he's one of my closest buddy, boy buddy, at least. And right now, all I've got is just him and Mary. Oh and that reminds me, THEY ARE TOGETHER. And I've completely slipped that out of my mind. Why do I have to care so much whether I had to confirm that they weren't just playing around? Why can't I just let it be?
"You're a little pissed, aren't you?"
"How can you tell?" I rolled my eyes, walking towards the door and praying silently that the first person I see wouldn't give me momentarily-shock-attack.
He shrugged, "I just do. Hey anyway, I've got to meet Mary at the cafe. See you around." And then he wheeled past me, so ridiculously jubilant, as walking on air.
"No wait!" I called from behind him, he turned around with this biggest grin I've ever seen. I thought I was gonna gag, what did Mary do to this boy? "I wanna come along." I stuttered the words, and walked nervously towards him. He didn't avoided me, and we even had the slightest touch right there as I brushed past him. He still had his smile glued onto his face, and startlingly, he draped his arms around me and pulled me warm. Just like a brother. I shuddered.
"Let's go then, sis."
*
"You have brought this blinding sun into his life, Mary." I whispered to Mary across the table as Adam went to get some food for the three of us. She giggled carelessly, her laughter ringing in my ears.
"No! I'm serious." I tried to hint her I wasn't exactly comfortable with it. Her shrill voice came out sweet and happy, "Why is that a bad thing?"
"Because - It's not him." What was I saying? That I wanted him to treat me like a dog? My eyes twitched as I put the words in my brain to tell her, exactly what my point is. "I mean. He, he, uhh, AGH, he's so...nice."
"Yeah, thanks to me."
So I let it go, as Adam came back with a plateful of fries at the same time as Mary tittered, raising goosebumps on my neck. Eww, they were so nice. I didn't need no proof now, there were obviously sparks flying around them. I felt so self-conscious all of a second because I was the intruder, I hate feeling that way. "I think I could go, if you want me to." I suggested, sliding out of the seat. They looked at each other for a whole split second, and it brought more embarrassment to me.
"No."
I exhaled slowly once again, trying to breathe normally.
In my nightmare, Bebe wasn't there anymore. Dame wasn't. Not even Mary. I was left alone to doom, desolated at nowhere.
In front of me loomed nothing but pitch black of nothingness. I turned around, my lungs out of air for a moment as panic started to strike. Behind me was the same black background. Oddly, I begin to get off of somewhere I was standing.
Something like shore.
It wasn't water I was landing, like I had imagined - an ocean or an island. Nope, it was something different. Soft sand-like beads were beneath me, making a calm sound as I walked. It was a paradox, me being afraid at this calm place. I couldn't see anything, though, and that was probably why I was so afraid.
I stretched my stiff hands out, just trying to grab hold or feel something. All I caught was air, slipping through my fingers.
"Arrgh." I started to shout. Oh no. All that came out was just silence. This was kind of a time when you find yourself so lost, so captivated. No where to run to, or someone you could just hold on to. And then a piercing shout, I woke up, sitting. My hair was matted against the forehead. It was 2 days since my birthday went. And gone.The clock showed that I was early, very early. 4 in the morning.
I got up, too stiff to slip into sleep again. Kicking the blanket, I went to the bathroom and washed my face thoroughly. The sweat was so icky to handle, I hate handling with sticky sweat, sticking onto you. Eww.
I cringed at the smell that was floating from my shirt. I reeked. I contemplated but then thought no more, I hit the showers.
*
I leapt onto bed again, the sun peeking out already. I opened the windows wide, looking out the window, nothing seemed to move. Just the swaying of trees. And the stillness of the dawn. I've missed transquility, so much. Life's so hectic nowadays. I wish it could just stop, or just for the least, pause. Or just hit forward until all the bad days finished. Then I'll cross the winning line. And the line will be distinct, not blurred, like how it is now. I couldn't tell when and how long this period - or phase, exactly - will end. But I also hope than one day, I'll look back in awe and proudly state that I was the one who endured it with all of my courage.
I smiled a little. Walking to the study room, I tore a piece of paper into two, and the bigger one, I wrote in wavy letters with a black pen.
Dear Adam,
sorry for breaking your arm/palm/head/brain.
Insincerely,
me.
Feeling a gust of success and satisfaction, I jumped out of my seat and slipped the paper under Adam's door. I looked at the clock again, 30 minutes before the bus comes around.
Ugh, life begins again.
*
I stepped out of the yellow bulky bus once again, feeling nauseated all over. As soon as my feet landed on the flat ground, I had this intention of climbing up the bus and going home again. The sun blinded me, and I walked like a corpse.
"Hey, you okay?" someone behind me asked, I didn't bother to even look. He wouldn't understand, how horrifyingly complicated I felt. The emotions in me were twirling like in a flood, and the worst of all, I'm not sure what my emotions are. I nodded my head weakly, smiling at no one in particular. It was kind of stupid, because he couldn't see me, smiling at him.
Adam skipped ahead of me, and appeared in front of my frozen statue. "What." I snapped at him as I tightened my clutch on my bag. It was silly, afraid of nothing at the moment.
"Nada, just thanks for the apology."
"Yeah Yeah, get off of my face."
He did it voluntarily, with no signs of hurt or anything displayed on his face. I don't know why I like to irritate Adam so much, he's one of my closest buddy, boy buddy, at least. And right now, all I've got is just him and Mary. Oh and that reminds me, THEY ARE TOGETHER. And I've completely slipped that out of my mind. Why do I have to care so much whether I had to confirm that they weren't just playing around? Why can't I just let it be?
"You're a little pissed, aren't you?"
"How can you tell?" I rolled my eyes, walking towards the door and praying silently that the first person I see wouldn't give me momentarily-shock-attack.
He shrugged, "I just do. Hey anyway, I've got to meet Mary at the cafe. See you around." And then he wheeled past me, so ridiculously jubilant, as walking on air.
"No wait!" I called from behind him, he turned around with this biggest grin I've ever seen. I thought I was gonna gag, what did Mary do to this boy? "I wanna come along." I stuttered the words, and walked nervously towards him. He didn't avoided me, and we even had the slightest touch right there as I brushed past him. He still had his smile glued onto his face, and startlingly, he draped his arms around me and pulled me warm. Just like a brother. I shuddered.
"Let's go then, sis."
*
"You have brought this blinding sun into his life, Mary." I whispered to Mary across the table as Adam went to get some food for the three of us. She giggled carelessly, her laughter ringing in my ears.
"No! I'm serious." I tried to hint her I wasn't exactly comfortable with it. Her shrill voice came out sweet and happy, "Why is that a bad thing?"
"Because - It's not him." What was I saying? That I wanted him to treat me like a dog? My eyes twitched as I put the words in my brain to tell her, exactly what my point is. "I mean. He, he, uhh, AGH, he's so...nice."
"Yeah, thanks to me."
So I let it go, as Adam came back with a plateful of fries at the same time as Mary tittered, raising goosebumps on my neck. Eww, they were so nice. I didn't need no proof now, there were obviously sparks flying around them. I felt so self-conscious all of a second because I was the intruder, I hate feeling that way. "I think I could go, if you want me to." I suggested, sliding out of the seat. They looked at each other for a whole split second, and it brought more embarrassment to me.
"No."
